DI Mom

Where we have been and where we are going

Oh, what an emotional mind f*** TTC can be...

After MUCH discussion, we decided to try a new donor last month.  Everything looked perfect and I was so certain that it would work.  Yeah, no dice.  We were using a donor who had no reported pregancies but that's not really a consideration.  Who knows why it didn't work.  I think that is one of my biggest gripes about this whole process - too many variables!! I like nice, constant "if, then" equations.  TTC, especially with DI, is just a big black box.  You throw it all in and who knows what whill come out.

But, I digress.

While that cycle was playing out, we received confirmation that we can purchase the last 5 sibling vials from another family (!)  Hopefully, everything will be squared away so we can cycle in February and March.  That will be 7 cycles trying to conceive a second child.  We've decided that if neither cycle works, we're done.  I don't want to waste Ben's childhood in TWWs.  I also don't want to spend all of our financial reserves so that we can't afford another child if we were to conceive. 

I feel at peace with this decision.  We have tried all we could reasonably try.  We have "found" far more vials than we ever thought we would and have been given multipe second chances but at some point you have to just say "enough". 

What do you do when you're missing half?

We found out last month that Ben has phenomonally bad teeth.  I thought he had a cavity but, when they took the x-rays, we found out that he has 6 cavities and one is so bad it needs to be pulled!  This shocked me to my very core.  He's my "golden boy", the one who is hardly ever sick, who has never had pink eye, strep, an ear infection, nothing!  To suddenly to find that his teeth are so bad just shocked me to no end.

Then I started wondering, "where did this come from?"  My teeth aren't great - I have my share of cavities but that didn't happen until I was in my 30s.  My mother says her family has bad teeth and that my brother had really bad teeth as a kid but is that all?  Does the donor also have unusually soft enamel?  His donor profile doesn't make a mention of it but maybe it's a recessive gene? 

It's times like this that I wish I knew more.  I know I've mulled over the idea of genetic testing several times.  There are always two stumbling blocks: the cost and, more importantly, the concern that his genetic information would then be floating about and may some day be used in a way that I do not authorize. 

I think I may be close to the point where the benefits outweigh the risks/costs.  At least then we'd have his whole picture and not just a fuzzy half.

Switching Donors

I think we've decided to move on to a different donor.  We had a few other options that may still be viable (some sibling vials from another family and the very slim possibility of an intrafamily adoption) but I really don't feel that we can wait much longer.  I don't want more than five years between Ben and a sibling and, honestly, we're not getting any younger!  I've given a lot of thought to just stopping but I really don't feel that our family is done yet.

Our next cycle will be right before Christmas with a test date of January 3.  What a way to start the year!

It's funny, I remember how much we agonized over our original donor selections.  When we finally landed on our current pick, he wasn't even our top pick!  All of the others were sold out.  This time it's much easier as I've asked the bank to suggest some donors that match our current one.  Their top pick is the same as one I've been seriously considering.  It looks like we have a winner!

While I'm sad that this potenial child won't be a full-sibling to Ben, I know that it really doesn't matter.  He would be such an awesome big brother, regardless.  I'm really hoping we can make this happen.

Can't fool Mom

Louis' oldest brother passed away unexpectedly last week so we made an impromptu trip to Illinois for the funeral.  Louis hasn't seen most of his family in 15 years and most have only seen a picture or two of Ben.

In between explaining to Ben about death and funeral homes and cemetaries ("you mean, there are people under those stones?!?"), Ben had a chance to meet a lot of aunts, uncles, counsins, etc.  He also met his 82 year old grandmother who looked at him hard and said "you must look like your mother because you certainly don't look like a "Smith".  Color me stunned.  I was too busy thinking about how to help Ben process the trip to think that someone might call us out like that. So many people have said that Ben looks like Louis over the years that I didn't that anyone, especially his mother, would say otherwise.  None of Louis' family knows that we used DI.  Frankly, I don't think they would understand or approve and it's really none of their business.  I just made noises about my family's genes being very strong and walked away but I'm really glad that Ben didn't really catch what she said. 

A high price to pay

I've said many times in many venues that I don't believe that genetics makes the family.  The bond that our family has has nothing to do with genes.  I honestly do believe that.

That said, why did I cry like a baby when I first found out that more vials of Ben's donor were available?  Why do I feel totally numb knowing that Ben will never have a full bio-sibling? 

I feel like our brand of infertility has stolen so much from us, from me.  Yes, we have a wonderful and much loved son but the cost has been so very high.  How much longer can we go on like this?  And, knowing that our donor is no longer an option, the cost of a subsequent child has just gone several notches (I hope you realize I'm not referring to financial costs but rather emotional and psychic).

This morning while we were getting ready to go to school and work, I had an overwhelming urge to apologize for failing to give him this sibling.  I now feel like it has cost him, too.  I know that if we were to try one more cycle and have the amazing luck of it working, Ben would like that child like nothing else in the world.  But I wouldn't be able to help but wonder, at least occasionally, what could have been.

MYOB

There are certain things that society has determined are not polite to ask women: her age, her weight, has she had cosmetic surgery, etc.  I would like to add one more to the list.  I think it should be forbidden, unless the woman is your closest friend in the entire world and you have no secrets from each other, to say to a woman "so, when are you going to have another baby?"  

I am so weary of having that bomb dropped on me at the most unexpected moments.  It is especially lovely when it happens at the tail end of a TWW and my emotions are already running high.  And, it doesn't help when the inquiring party tries to "persuade" me by saying that we have such a great kid already, we really should have another.

I swear, I am tempted to totally unload on the next person who says that to me.  It's happened 5 times in the last 5 weeks.  Who wants to be lucky number six?

Dating your sister

One of the arguments that I have heard against DI is the idea of not knowing how many children have been conceived with your donor and the thought that Ben may somehow end up dating his sister.  I don't know how this is an even halfway rational argument. 

First, most banks have a limit as to how many children may be conceived with one donor and once they hit the magic number, the rest of the specimens are reserved for families who already have a child via that donor. (I'm not talking about that one donor who donates for free (and very frequently) on his own and has resulted of who knows how many pregnancies.  If you are on any of the DI boards, I'm sure you know who I mean.)

Second, there are many sperm banks throughout the country and it is very easy to use a bank that is outside of your geographical area.  Of course, other families are likely doing the same but the odds of you both using the same donor and same bank AND also be near each other are very slim. 

Third, just look at the overall odds.  We're talking a small handful of children that share some genes.  Louis comes from a huge family (we're talking triple digits when we count all of the siblings, nieces/nephews, cousins) and he has never accidentally bumped into a relative through his travels of the US.  Even when he lived only an hour from a large group of them, they never crossed paths.  I can't imagine the odds would be any better for the DI kids.

I think this is just another unfounded worry.  If anyone has "bumped" into another donor family, I'd like to hear about it.

"Dear Amy"

Did anyone else see this morning's Dear Amy?  I'll wait while you go read the first question...

Okay, the writer sounds like a SMBC who has been very open with her daughter about the daughter's conception.  All good in my book.  The part that bothered me was "that he may not be the man she's dreamed of all these years."   It sounds to me that the mother allowed her daughter to romanticize the donor so that he could fill a gap in her life.  Instead of seeing the donor in more clinical terms, she imagined him being at her graduation and walking her down the aisle.  Somehow, she missed the message that "donor" does not equal "father". 

Why are there so many reports of this phenomena?  Is it just because that is what is sensational and will sell newspapers/movies/magazine articles? 

Frankly, while I completely support a child knowing his genetic heritage, I am glad that there is no way to know our donor.  I know Ben will have questions about who this man is/was and we'll rely heavily on the long donor profile and whatever genetic information we can gather on our end (23 and Me or the like) to answer as many questions as we can.  I just hope that is enough.  If he decides to go on a donor search, I'll support him, but I know Louis and I will make sure that it isn't because he's looking for his "father".  His father is right here.

The "Ick" Factor

What is it about donor insemination that freaks people out?

"Dude! Your wife/so/whatever has a(nother) man's sperm in her!"  Well, yeah, I guess that's true  technically speaking.  Our last cycle we did two rounds with IUI ("washed") sperm and there is less than .6 mL of sperm in each sample.  That's the equivalent of just over one teaspoon - tiny!  Hardly the results from some torrid, illicit tryst.

There isn't this kind of moral outrage when a woman uses donor eggs.  Using donor eggs is a medical procedure to help a woman conceive.  Using donor sperm is the equivalent of having sex with another man.  I am constantly amazed how quickly it becomes all about sex and loses sight of the fact that it's just another medical procedure.

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Speaking of "Ick", anyone planning on seeing The Switch?

Bill O'Reilly can kiss my white Irish ass

Okay, so I'm not Irish and maybe I've been watching too many episode of Rescue Me on Netflix WatchInstantly but the sentiment remains the same.

One of the unexpected benefits of doing DI is the ability to know some really wonderful women that I would never have met otherwise.  Most notably, single mothers by choice and lesbian couples.  Even though O'Reilly's comments weren't directed towards me, I feel like it was an attack on the DI community and they we must react with one voice.  You can let him know how you feel by sending an email to oreilly@foxnews.com  I believe that it is no one's business how a family is created.  The stigma that seems inherent to DI is misguided and destructive and it needs to stop.