DI Mom

Would you rather?

Did you play this game as a kid?  Offer up two horrible options and ask a person to choose?

For instance, would you rather be allergic to dairy and work in an ice cream store or be a recovered alcoholic and work in a bar?  Or better for our lives, would you rather have primary infertility or secondary infertility?  Does it matter?  Both options totally blow.   Its like asking would you rather die by decapitation or by hanging? Either way you're still dead.

Well, I'm one former alcolic* who is facing the noose at the end of the next cycle. We have one more week before this cycle is done but I've already got the whole gallow humor going. 

*not really - just follow the bouncing metaphor

Tick Tock Goes the Clock

We are in an indefinite holding period.  We have a line on some more vials from our donor but they won't be availabe for at least another month, maybe more.  We've considered using a different donor but we'll be out of town this month and next month will be right before Christmas so I don't know if that stress will be conducive to conception. So, we wait - and I fret.

I am a total Type A personality and not having control over this important aspect of my life drives me absolutely bonkers.  I let it stress me out way too much and I know that stress affects my cycle and health.  I need to stop.  I also need to stop obsessing about other pregnancies.  I'm becoming very jealous and spiteful.  I was even a little glad when my co-worker told me on Monday that she wasn't pregnant (they've been trying for a year).  Jeez, schadenfreude anyone?  I don't like the person I am becoming. 

How can I expect to become pregnant when my heart is so dark?

MYOB

There are certain things that society has determined are not polite to ask women: her age, her weight, has she had cosmetic surgery, etc.  I would like to add one more to the list.  I think it should be forbidden, unless the woman is your closest friend in the entire world and you have no secrets from each other, to say to a woman "so, when are you going to have another baby?"  

I am so weary of having that bomb dropped on me at the most unexpected moments.  It is especially lovely when it happens at the tail end of a TWW and my emotions are already running high.  And, it doesn't help when the inquiring party tries to "persuade" me by saying that we have such a great kid already, we really should have another.

I swear, I am tempted to totally unload on the next person who says that to me.  It's happened 5 times in the last 5 weeks.  Who wants to be lucky number six?

A shot in the dark

I am referring to this as my "Hail Mary" cycle.  It's our last chance for a full bio-sib and boy, are we winging this!  Of course, my cycle is all sorts of wonky this month and I had decided to not temp to cut down on the stress a bit (I don't sleep well when temping-I'm always looking at the clock) so we're just throwing it out there. 

If anyone is interested in timing, we did one ICI at 4(ish) hours before my surge and then an IUI at 8(ish) hours after surge.  With Ben, we did it at surge and then 9 hours later so I'm hoping that the timing is better for us this cycle than previously.  Some new books have been calling for earlier inseminations than later.  I know when we were working with an RE, he wanted us to wait 24-36 hours after surge and I always felt that was too late.  The previous cycles we were doing 12 and 24 hrs post OPK+ but I think that was still to late for my body and my age.  Gah, it's all a crap shoot!

On the upside, the sperm bank threw in 10 free home pregnancy tests because of a mix-up on their end so I can test all I want in 10 days.  It's all about the silver lining...

Co-morbidities

While I have no known fertility issues, I often feel like the time it takes for us to conceive is just another example of my body screwing with me.  I know I'm hyper-aware because we have to monitor the cycles so closely but I can't help but feel that every cycle that fails in another example of me failing.  Infertility is not kind to those with self esteem and/or body issues, that's for sure.

In an attempt to take control of my body, one decision that I made was to have Lap Band surgery 1 1/2 yrs. ago.  In 2005 I was at the heaviest point of my life - stone throw to 300 lbs.  I went through an Optifast program with my doctor's office, lost a lot of weight, immediately became pregnant, gained a lot of weight, lost, gained again.  I just couldn't keep it off on my own.  I decided at that point, when I was once again climbing the scales, to have surgery. 

Overall, it has been a very good decision for me.  I have lost over 80lbs from my heaviest and feel healthier.  One problem, though is that I have problems taking large pills like, you know, PRENATALS!  Also, my diet isn't always very balanced because I focus more on protein than veggies.  While we were taking a break before this cycle, I decided to stop the vitamins for a bit because I was having a lot of problems getting them down.  Around the same time, my luteal phase when to hell.  Every month was shorter.  It never occurred to me that the two events were connected!  Thankfully, I did a bit of research and realized that a B6 deficiency can affect luteal phase.  I was able to find a chewable and a chewable prenatal and my LP is back to a healthy 13 days. 

The moral of this story - if your LP is short, check your vitamins! 

Struggling

I love Ben so very much but sometimes he drives me absolutely insane!  He's been fighting a viral infection that has finally come to a head over the weekend.  He has been very whiney since Saturday and his napping and eating are all over the map.  I know it is because he is sick but it is becoming very difficult for me to be around him for long.  This morning I actually shut the bathroom door while I was getting ready so I wouldn't have to listen to him whine while Louis was fixing his lunch.  Of course, I immediately felt guilty.  What kind of mother would ignore her child like that?  Especially after we went through so much to have him.  I should love to spend every second with him, no matter what.  Right?

I know that those feelings are wrong.  I know that any mother sometimes needs a few moments of quiet to preserve her own sanity.  I know that just because we had to "work" for him, that doesn't make us bad parents if we don't love being with him every single second.   Some days I forget that, though, and those are the days that I feel like The World's Worst Mother.

Maybe I should make a little cross stitch sampler to remind me that I am allowed to be frustrated sometimes and it's even okay to close the door.

Dec.6

The thing I don't don't like about Typepad is that you can't see where your hits originated if they are more than 24 hours old.  Something happened on Dec. 6 and I had 80 hits (the norm is 10 a day) so I want to know what they heck happened on Dec. 6??? 

If you first found this blog on that day, would you please tell me how you found me? Inquiring minds want to know!

Inadequate

Deep breath...
    I don't feel like I'm a good enough mom
    I don't think I am as patient with Ben as I should be
    I don't like pumping
    I don't like giving Ben a bottle (of pumped milk) even though he has nursed me dry
    I feel guilty when I take a bath and leave Ben with Louis
    I don't cook dinner enough
    I don't keep the house as clean as it should be
    I don't like taking Ben to day care
    I know I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom
    I think about Ben when I'm at work
    I think about work when I am with Ben
    I still hear my father telling me that I will not be a good mother*
    Pumping and nursing on my lunch hour takes too much out of my work day

    I sometime think that I wasn't cut out to be a parent
    But not when Ben is smiling at me and laughing
    I never knew it would be this hard
    I never knew it would be this good

*When I was 12, I was babysitting my 2 year old sister who was going through a biting phase.  She bit me, I swatted her on her diapered butt. She screamed bloody murder right as my brother came home.  My brother told my father who then said I had too much of a temper and I would be an abusive parent.
   

People's ability to surprise us

I have read in various places about people being very reluctant to tell family members that they are using DI to create a family.  Usually, they are worried that the family will, at best, say hurtful things to the parents and, at worst, treat the child poorly.

I know I was concerned about that before I told my family, especially my parents.  In fact we went through the whole fertility testing (of me), finding a clinic, screwing around with insurance, and actually going through a cycle without telling anyone but one of my brothers.  Of course, it was easier for me to keep quiet since we were living 12 hours away from the rest of the family.

When we decided to try again almost 2 years later, we were living much closer to the family and, in fact, my mother was staying with us when we were trying to do a cycle -- we ended up not doing it while she was there for various reasons but I figured it was as good as time as any that I talk to her about it.

So we sat down after lunch and I told her what we were trying to do.  I explained a bit of the process, the screening protocol of the banks, etc.  Her reply was that she didn't understand it all but all that she cared about was that we were going to have a family.  To say I was stunned is an understatement.  My parents are pretty conservative and very religious so I was expecting some initial resistance to the idea.  Later that afternoon she talked to my dad and I asked what his reaction was.  And, surprise again, he was fine with it!

Now that we are pregnant, they couldn't be happier.  Even though this will be grandchild 15 (lots of step kids in our family!), my mom is acting like it's the first one.  I can only imagine what she is going to be like after the baby is born!

So, what's my point?  I guess it's that we shouldn't always expect the worst in people.  Granted, my parents could have reacted horribly, said that this was a sin against God, whatever, and I would have been devastated.  But then I would have worked on opening up communication with them so that they would better understand why we chose DI.  I think people react most negatively to things that they don't understand. 

I don't regret not telling my parents early but I am glad that I finally allowed them to surprise me.

Now seeing patient #5839624

I've always had a weird relationship with health care providers.  Growing up, we never had insurance so we never went to the doctor unless bone was exposed or some other massive injury had happened.  I've suffered from severe migraines since I was 7 and I was not able to have regular medical care for them until I was 19.  Because of this, I have become rather pro-active in my health care.  I would do the research and come in with a list of things I wanted to try or that I knew wouldn't work, etc.  Luckily, for the most part, I've been able to find doctors (or physician assistants, which I prefer) who would listen to me and worked with me rather than just writing a prescription and leaving.

And then we started on the infertility road and all of that changed.  The years before we became preganant were some of the most medically frustrating for me and we were only able to do one round of DI! I have found fertility doctors to be very unwilling to listen to their patients and the offices have a nasty habit of treating you like a number* and since we weren't doing a "sexy" procedure, we were a high number, at that.

Our sucessful DI was the result of us ditching the docs and doing the IUIs at home.  I think that having a calm, relaxed, and familiar environment really helped me, both physically and psychologically.

Now that we are preganat, we have been working with a local group of doctors who have a good reputation.  But, once again I am beginning to feel like a number.  We see the doctor for approximately 5 minutes, she asks if we have any questions (but this is my first baby so I'm not really sure what I should be asking, even after reading the books), she takes a few measurements and leaves.  She imparts no new information or knowledge.  She doesn't even tell me what my blood pressure is. 

I was willing to work through this because the hospital that we are using has a good reputation for it's birthing center.  They are fairly progressive, with most of the rooms are for labor, delivery, and recovery and they also have a birthing tub in each room.  But, for the past week, I have been trying to contact the Child Birth Educator to sign up for child birth classes with no luck.  I know that she must be a very busy woman, but come on!  A whole week of not answering her phone or returning messages?

So, now I've started looking in to using an independent birthing center that employs two RNs who are also mid-wives and a doula.  Each prenatal appointment is an hour long and they emphasize their various education classes.  They even come to your house for your various post-partum check-ups!  We have an appointment for an information session with them on Thursday.

I think I am about ready to ditch organized health care and become a hippie, crunchy mama type.  It definitely seems less stressful!

*okay, I'm generalizing but this was definitely my experience at two different clinics