DI Mom

Struggling

I love Ben so very much but sometimes he drives me absolutely insane!  He's been fighting a viral infection that has finally come to a head over the weekend.  He has been very whiney since Saturday and his napping and eating are all over the map.  I know it is because he is sick but it is becoming very difficult for me to be around him for long.  This morning I actually shut the bathroom door while I was getting ready so I wouldn't have to listen to him whine while Louis was fixing his lunch.  Of course, I immediately felt guilty.  What kind of mother would ignore her child like that?  Especially after we went through so much to have him.  I should love to spend every second with him, no matter what.  Right?

I know that those feelings are wrong.  I know that any mother sometimes needs a few moments of quiet to preserve her own sanity.  I know that just because we had to "work" for him, that doesn't make us bad parents if we don't love being with him every single second.   Some days I forget that, though, and those are the days that I feel like The World's Worst Mother.

Maybe I should make a little cross stitch sampler to remind me that I am allowed to be frustrated sometimes and it's even okay to close the door.

Dec.6

The thing I don't don't like about Typepad is that you can't see where your hits originated if they are more than 24 hours old.  Something happened on Dec. 6 and I had 80 hits (the norm is 10 a day) so I want to know what they heck happened on Dec. 6??? 

If you first found this blog on that day, would you please tell me how you found me? Inquiring minds want to know!

Inadequate

Deep breath...
    I don't feel like I'm a good enough mom
    I don't think I am as patient with Ben as I should be
    I don't like pumping
    I don't like giving Ben a bottle (of pumped milk) even though he has nursed me dry
    I feel guilty when I take a bath and leave Ben with Louis
    I don't cook dinner enough
    I don't keep the house as clean as it should be
    I don't like taking Ben to day care
    I know I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom
    I think about Ben when I'm at work
    I think about work when I am with Ben
    I still hear my father telling me that I will not be a good mother*
    Pumping and nursing on my lunch hour takes too much out of my work day

    I sometime think that I wasn't cut out to be a parent
    But not when Ben is smiling at me and laughing
    I never knew it would be this hard
    I never knew it would be this good

*When I was 12, I was babysitting my 2 year old sister who was going through a biting phase.  She bit me, I swatted her on her diapered butt. She screamed bloody murder right as my brother came home.  My brother told my father who then said I had too much of a temper and I would be an abusive parent.
   

People's ability to surprise us

I have read in various places about people being very reluctant to tell family members that they are using DI to create a family.  Usually, they are worried that the family will, at best, say hurtful things to the parents and, at worst, treat the child poorly.

I know I was concerned about that before I told my family, especially my parents.  In fact we went through the whole fertility testing (of me), finding a clinic, screwing around with insurance, and actually going through a cycle without telling anyone but one of my brothers.  Of course, it was easier for me to keep quiet since we were living 12 hours away from the rest of the family.

When we decided to try again almost 2 years later, we were living much closer to the family and, in fact, my mother was staying with us when we were trying to do a cycle -- we ended up not doing it while she was there for various reasons but I figured it was as good as time as any that I talk to her about it.

So we sat down after lunch and I told her what we were trying to do.  I explained a bit of the process, the screening protocol of the banks, etc.  Her reply was that she didn't understand it all but all that she cared about was that we were going to have a family.  To say I was stunned is an understatement.  My parents are pretty conservative and very religious so I was expecting some initial resistance to the idea.  Later that afternoon she talked to my dad and I asked what his reaction was.  And, surprise again, he was fine with it!

Now that we are pregnant, they couldn't be happier.  Even though this will be grandchild 15 (lots of step kids in our family!), my mom is acting like it's the first one.  I can only imagine what she is going to be like after the baby is born!

So, what's my point?  I guess it's that we shouldn't always expect the worst in people.  Granted, my parents could have reacted horribly, said that this was a sin against God, whatever, and I would have been devastated.  But then I would have worked on opening up communication with them so that they would better understand why we chose DI.  I think people react most negatively to things that they don't understand. 

I don't regret not telling my parents early but I am glad that I finally allowed them to surprise me.

Now seeing patient #5839624

I've always had a weird relationship with health care providers.  Growing up, we never had insurance so we never went to the doctor unless bone was exposed or some other massive injury had happened.  I've suffered from severe migraines since I was 7 and I was not able to have regular medical care for them until I was 19.  Because of this, I have become rather pro-active in my health care.  I would do the research and come in with a list of things I wanted to try or that I knew wouldn't work, etc.  Luckily, for the most part, I've been able to find doctors (or physician assistants, which I prefer) who would listen to me and worked with me rather than just writing a prescription and leaving.

And then we started on the infertility road and all of that changed.  The years before we became preganant were some of the most medically frustrating for me and we were only able to do one round of DI! I have found fertility doctors to be very unwilling to listen to their patients and the offices have a nasty habit of treating you like a number* and since we weren't doing a "sexy" procedure, we were a high number, at that.

Our sucessful DI was the result of us ditching the docs and doing the IUIs at home.  I think that having a calm, relaxed, and familiar environment really helped me, both physically and psychologically.

Now that we are preganat, we have been working with a local group of doctors who have a good reputation.  But, once again I am beginning to feel like a number.  We see the doctor for approximately 5 minutes, she asks if we have any questions (but this is my first baby so I'm not really sure what I should be asking, even after reading the books), she takes a few measurements and leaves.  She imparts no new information or knowledge.  She doesn't even tell me what my blood pressure is. 

I was willing to work through this because the hospital that we are using has a good reputation for it's birthing center.  They are fairly progressive, with most of the rooms are for labor, delivery, and recovery and they also have a birthing tub in each room.  But, for the past week, I have been trying to contact the Child Birth Educator to sign up for child birth classes with no luck.  I know that she must be a very busy woman, but come on!  A whole week of not answering her phone or returning messages?

So, now I've started looking in to using an independent birthing center that employs two RNs who are also mid-wives and a doula.  Each prenatal appointment is an hour long and they emphasize their various education classes.  They even come to your house for your various post-partum check-ups!  We have an appointment for an information session with them on Thursday.

I think I am about ready to ditch organized health care and become a hippie, crunchy mama type.  It definitely seems less stressful!

*okay, I'm generalizing but this was definitely my experience at two different clinics

I'm new here...

I've finally decide to jump in to the blogging pool.  I've always been very jealous of those witty women (okay, most of the blogs that I read are authored by women) who are able to bare their souls and stir my emotions.  I don't know if I will ever be in their class but it's not really a competition, is it?

So, what is the focus of this blog?  I hope you can guess from the title that I am a (soon-to-be) DI mom.  My husband and I are expecting our first child in November.  I'm on a few DI boards but I feel like I have a lot to say on the subject and no one really wants to talk about the more difficult issues.  I'm hoping to get into some of that here.

Also, so you aren't hopelessly bored, I am also a amateur baker (ask me about the wedding cake I just made for a co-worker.  Or, better yet, don't!).  We're also "bunny slaves" to 7 rescue rabbits, so I'm sure they'll pop in here on occasion.

So, that's me in a brief nutshell.  I hope to get to know you more if I manage to keep this up!