DI Mom

4 Years

Four years ago tomorrow.  How did that happen?

The Phantom Daughter

After our failed doctor assisted IUIs in 2002, we decided to pursue international adoption.  We decided on China, were accepted by the agency, and were working on our home study - we had just completed our application to the home study agency when I decided that I wanted to try one more time.

When we were on the adoption track, we were completely committed.  We attended a conference that our agency sponsored in NJ to learn about various aspect of Chinese adoption.  We had picked out a name for our daughter, Leah Mae, and I had even purchased a few items based on what I thought her size would likely be when we brought her home (boy, was I naive about how long the process really takes!) We felt very ready for this daughter.

After Ben was born, we obviously didn't need any pink dresses so they remained in a little box marked "Leah".  Every move, we take them along with us.  Now that we're trying again, I wonder if we'll get a chance to use them.  If we do have a daughter - and Louis dreamed a long time ago that we'd have an older son and a baby girl - she won't be Leah.  Leah doesn't belong to this world, just to my heart.  I sometimes wonder, in a Sliding Doors kind of way, what would have happened if we had brought Leah home.  Would we still have Ben and be wondering about another?  

I know there are some who feel that you can select for gender based on when the egg is fertilized.  I think our chances of a boy are pretty high, considering when we inseminated and our donor's statistics (3 boys, 1 girl).  But what if we have a girl? I'm sure she will be as wonderful as Leah would have been.

Where does the time go?

Really, where?  It's been over a year since I last posted anything.  A lot has happened since I last posted.  We moved half way across the country, started new jobs, and now we're trying for a second baby!  We had wanted to start last year but then I receive the job offer and we decided to put things on hold while we settled into our new life. 

Ben is 3 1/2 now, he will be 4 1/2 when (if?) the new baby is born.  That's a bigger distance than I would have liked but what can you do?  We are currently on CD6 of our 3rd attempt.  We have enough vials from our donor for one more try after this and then, I think, we'll be done.  Yeah, I sound really sure of myself.

Compare and contrast

Ben has a DI half-brother and a DI half-sister (there was also a 4th pregnancy but I am not certain of the outcome.  I asked the other moms to fill out a little questionnaire so we could see if there were any commonalities and I thought you would be interested. 

I tried to color code the responses but typepad won't keep the colors.  The answers are in order of Ben : Girl (Estella) : Boy
Statistics
    Birth weight 9 lbs, 10 oz : 8 lbs, 3 oz. : 8 lbs, 10 oz.
    Current weight 22.2 lbs (1 yr) : 23 lbs (11 mo) : 22 lbs (11 mo)
    Birth length 21 1/2" : 21" : 20 1/2"
  Current length 30 1/4" : 32" : 29"
 Current shoe size 5 : 5 : 6 
Physical Traits
    Eye color Brown but do look gray in the right light : Green : Deep blue
  Hair color Light brown : I think blonde? It's hard to tell : Dark brown
    How much hair? Very fine hair so it looks like he doesn't have much : Very little on top, curly in the back : Lots and getting long!
  Overall coloring Quite fair.  He was very yellow when he was born, though, so the doctor's were convinced he was jaundiced even though his billi numbers were normal. : Medium skin tone : Started off more olive but lost some of that. We'll see when summer comes. 
    Birthmarks? Stork bite at his nape : One birthmark on her leg : Small one on back of head close to the neck
    If so, do they run in your family? Yes, on my mother's side : Not that I know of : My nephew has one in the same spot
    Is there a family resemblance? He strongly favors my father's side of the family : People say she looks a lot like me : Strong resemblance to me (mom)
Personality
    How would you describe your LO's personality? Ben is very out-going and inquisitive.  Everyone has always commented on how alert he is, even when he was a newborn.  He is also very determined! He also dislikes men with facial hair but loves the ladies!  : Estella is very outgoing! She loves chasing after other kids. She is friendly with everyone. She loves laughing, smiling and amusing others. I am very reserved ... I'm told I was outgoing at Estella's age. : He is outgoing and playful around family. Around strangers or large crowds he tends to observe for awhile and if he feels comfortable then he'll play.  If not, he'll act shy and hide his head. He is super easy going! He tends to take off my dad's side of the family, very laid back but playful when comfortable.
   What is your LO's favorite toy? food? game? Ben loves balls of any type. He really likes fruit but he also enjoys stronger flavors.  He was eating tomatoes at 8 months. : Estella's favorite "toys" are anything she isn't supposed to play with. She doesn't really have a favorite toy. Estella eats anything. She loves yogurt, cheese, banana, spaghetti, and salmon. The most unusual food Estella eats is pickles. : Favorite toy: puppy that sings songs and talks to him. Game: row, row, row your boat... and he rows his own boat! ha ha! Food: peas - nothing unusual to eat. 
Other
    Any allergies? No allergies No food allergies None that we know of
    Does s/he tolerate dairy? No problems Tolerates dairy very well Seems fine with it, we just started introducing it
    What does s/he think of animals? Ben loves animals!  He just wishes they would hold still so he could play with them more. : Estella loves animals! LOVES our animals! : He cracks up anytime we help him pet the cat/dog nicely!
    Does s/he like water? Ben LOVES water!  If you just mention "bath", he will drop what he is doing and run for the bathroom. : Loves water! : Loves that also! He loves baths, showers, and we've done a swim class that he enjoyed too.
    When did s/he begin walking? Ben began walking at 11 months : About 11 months. : He doesn't even crawl, he rolls, ha ha! He'll roll to where he wants to get and sit up  and play (make a mess) then get down and roll to the next fun thing.
    How does s/he sleep? Ben sleeps best on his belly, always has.  He will sleep through the night but naps have always been a little more tricky.  Overall, he sleeps less than other babies.  He also have a very strong sense of time.  He is up every morning second before our alarm rings. : Estella doesn't sleep well. She is still  up for a bottle at least once every night. She also wakes and cries several times each night. She usually sleeps on her stomach, but frequently rolls around. :  He has always been and continues to be a great sleeper. He goes to bed around 7:30-8 pm and I have to wake him in the morning at 7 am. I put him down on his side, give him his pacifier (bed is the only time he takes it) and cover his legs up. He usually pulls the blanket up and cuddles with it while he curls up to sleep. He will roll and sleep on his back or tummy, no preference.

I know that a lot of prospective DI parents are worried that their children will be just like the donor and not fit in with their family but that certainly doesn't seem to be the case here. All of these children are very much like their family.  There are some commonalities but they seem to be pretty random. Also, these three kids look absolutely nothing alike.  You may see Estella here.  The other boy's mother would like to remain anonymous but he doesn't look like the other two, either (for one thing, he actually has hair!)

Time to move?

I haven't posted in a while, as all five you you may have noticed...

I am considering taking down DI Mom.  I'm having a increasingly difficult time keeping things to mostly DI related stuff and not going on and on about Ben.  I think that this is insensitive to those who are in the IF trenches. 

** Edited to add: my new blog is here  I'll leave this one up until the end of August **

Operation SAHD

Daycare is killing me. 

When I returned to work when Ben was 7 weeks, we put him in a private home setting with a day care provider who had a 8 month old daughter.  It worked really well, at first, but then we began to realize that she had some severe psychological problems that were becoming more evident due to stress (she was also a part-time law student).  We then moved him to a center at a church near my work.  The center has a dedicated baby room and they have 1 care giver for every 3 children but Ben is having a hard time adjusting to any sort of schedule there.  Basically, he refuses to sleep in the morning and the only reason he sleeps at all is because I nurse him at noon and he falls asleep then.  This is resulting in one cranky little boy!  By the time we get home, he's so exhausted that he has problems winding down and it ends up with everyone having a bad night.

Louis and I have been debating about how to best handle this.  We think Ben would do best if he was at home and someone came in but trying to find a nanny is really tough (and very expensive).  Luckily, one of Louis' daughters used to be a nanny and she doesn't have a job lined up after finishing grad school.  She is willing to come and work for us but she just applied for some counseling program so we have to wait to hear if she was accepted or not.

If she does become our nanny, our ultimate goal is for her to work for us for a year.  At that time, Louis will be fully vested so he will "retire" from his job and become a SAHD.  We are really excited about this!  I think that the kids will really benefit from having their dad with them every day.  I also think it will help me deal with being a WOHM.  Knowing that my children are being cared for by their father will allow me to focus on my work instead of wasting the morning, worrying that Ben isn't sleeping, or his teeth are bothering him, or he's extra fussy today, or...

I can't wait!

Fabulous news!

We were able to locate SIX more vials from our donor!  Hooray!  If all goes well, we expect to begin TTC again next summer.  I'd really like a spring baby (last summer was really tough on me) and that would put at least 2.5 years between the kids.  A nice space, we think.

When I found out about the vials last Thursday, I actually began to tear up.  I had just been thinking about how we would go about selecting the new donor (match on Ben?) when Louis encouraged me to try this one last avenue.  I know I keep saying that genetics aren't the end all and be all but I am just (what? relieved? thankful? happy?) that Ben will have someone else who is "just like him", genetically.  I know that if we hadn't located these extra vials, Ben would have been just fine with whatever sibling he would have but I just feel like this will make it easier for him somehow.

Eh, chalk it up to being a mother who is a little off her rocker right now...

Busy being Mom

We are finally coming out of a 2 week snot-fest.  Ben had allergies that turned into a cold that turned into a sinus infection.  Louis had a cold that turned into strep.  I got off light with just a bad cold.  A lot of fun, all around. 

I've been so busy taking care of a sick baby that I didn't even really pause on Mother's Day to really give thanks for our sweet boy.  Everyone commented on how it was my first Mother's Day but, really, I've always felt like a mother but I was just missing the baby.  I also have really begun to appreciate the fact that mother's come in many different forms.  It doesn't matter if you are a mother via DI, DE, surrogacy, adoption, if you have triplets or if your baby was not able to survive -- once you give your heart to that sweet little babe, you are Mom.  I am so tired of various bloggers, people in the media, family, whoever, trying to say that one type of mother is more legitimate than another.

Before Ben was born, I thought the fact that he was conceived via DI would be this huge, looming elephant that would always be in the room but I have discovered that it is not the case.  Ben is just Ben and we are his parents.  If I was told that we could have a child who was genetically linked to both of us but the catch would be that we wouldn't have Ben, I would decline.  Ben may not have been the baby that I had in mind when I first told Louis that I wanted to have a family but I can't imagine having any other baby.

__________________________

Wow, that was a rambling post.  I blame it on the lack of sleep for the past two weeks.

A little cheesecake

And this kind won't hurt your diet...

Ben is modeling his new Happy Heiny diapers

And another picture, for the road.

I know, I need to figure out how to make these pictures larger without them being distorted.

2 Months

Ben is two months old today.  This has been the best and the most difficult two months of my life!  I love him more than anything but I had no idea how difficult parenting can be!  I now have profound respect for single mothers!  Thankfully, he has begun sleeping in longer stretches.  It's amazing how a little sleep can improve everyone's outlook!

He started smiling two weeks ago and is "talking" quite a bit now.  I'm just waiting for his first laugh!  He's working on rolling over and on holding his head up but his head is pretty large so he still needs to work on that.

My co-worker, a mother of 3 (the last one born a month before Ben), told me yesterday that I would "get over" my wanting to spend so much time with him.  I really don't see how that is possible.