DI Mom

A high price to pay

I've said many times in many venues that I don't believe that genetics makes the family.  The bond that our family has has nothing to do with genes.  I honestly do believe that.

That said, why did I cry like a baby when I first found out that more vials of Ben's donor were available?  Why do I feel totally numb knowing that Ben will never have a full bio-sibling? 

I feel like our brand of infertility has stolen so much from us, from me.  Yes, we have a wonderful and much loved son but the cost has been so very high.  How much longer can we go on like this?  And, knowing that our donor is no longer an option, the cost of a subsequent child has just gone several notches (I hope you realize I'm not referring to financial costs but rather emotional and psychic).

This morning while we were getting ready to go to school and work, I had an overwhelming urge to apologize for failing to give him this sibling.  I now feel like it has cost him, too.  I know that if we were to try one more cycle and have the amazing luck of it working, Ben would like that child like nothing else in the world.  But I wouldn't be able to help but wonder, at least occasionally, what could have been.

MYOB

There are certain things that society has determined are not polite to ask women: her age, her weight, has she had cosmetic surgery, etc.  I would like to add one more to the list.  I think it should be forbidden, unless the woman is your closest friend in the entire world and you have no secrets from each other, to say to a woman "so, when are you going to have another baby?"  

I am so weary of having that bomb dropped on me at the most unexpected moments.  It is especially lovely when it happens at the tail end of a TWW and my emotions are already running high.  And, it doesn't help when the inquiring party tries to "persuade" me by saying that we have such a great kid already, we really should have another.

I swear, I am tempted to totally unload on the next person who says that to me.  It's happened 5 times in the last 5 weeks.  Who wants to be lucky number six?

A shot in the dark

I am referring to this as my "Hail Mary" cycle.  It's our last chance for a full bio-sib and boy, are we winging this!  Of course, my cycle is all sorts of wonky this month and I had decided to not temp to cut down on the stress a bit (I don't sleep well when temping-I'm always looking at the clock) so we're just throwing it out there. 

If anyone is interested in timing, we did one ICI at 4(ish) hours before my surge and then an IUI at 8(ish) hours after surge.  With Ben, we did it at surge and then 9 hours later so I'm hoping that the timing is better for us this cycle than previously.  Some new books have been calling for earlier inseminations than later.  I know when we were working with an RE, he wanted us to wait 24-36 hours after surge and I always felt that was too late.  The previous cycles we were doing 12 and 24 hrs post OPK+ but I think that was still to late for my body and my age.  Gah, it's all a crap shoot!

On the upside, the sperm bank threw in 10 free home pregnancy tests because of a mix-up on their end so I can test all I want in 10 days.  It's all about the silver lining...