The tomato doesn't fall far from the vine

People who worry that a child conceived by DI may not feel a connection to their father* need to only look at Ben and Louis.  Ben tries to emulate Louis in every way.  Louis wears suspenders when he does heavy work around the house so Ben has to walk around with a pair draped over his shoulders.  Louis like to drink tomato juice (with lemon!) every morning so Ben does, too.  Ben has seen Louis heap on the ketchup when eating meatloaf or hamburgers.  Well, guess who sat down with a bowl of ketchup and a spoon yesterday!

It goes beyond behavior, too.  Anytime Ben does something cute or funny, he looks around to see if Louis is watching.  Ben and I are taking a parent-baby swim class (Louis comes along to watch) and the only way that I can get him to kick while lying on his back is to tell him to show Daddy how he can kick.  He would do anything for his father.

Ben loves me, I know that, but he and Louis have a very special bond.  When I mentioned this to Louis, he said "but he's biologically linked to you not me".  Yeah, well, I don't think Ben cares.  Granted, things may change when Ben is older and he fully understands the circumstances surrounding his conception but I really don't think so.  I think that having such a strong bond now will make any future question about his parentage irrelevant.

*I'm not going to qualify it by calling Louis the "social father".  Louis is Ben's father. Period.  The donor was just that, the donor.  Just some genes but no history, no love, no one to hold Ben's hand when he was seconds old and on the warming table.  That right goes entirely to Louis.

Comments

[me-cyclopedia]

Hi - I have just discovered your blog in the past few days and have been voraciously reading every post since you started. I'm so glad you exist and have kept your blog up. I'm just about to start DI in the next few months and your story has given me a lot of hope and helped me to not feel so alone. Thanks so much!

[D]

As a fellow DI mom, I loved this post. Everything rang true. Thank you.
-D.

[Tanya]

Julie I can relate to everything in your blog, after 10 years we have finally had our own beautiful DI baby and now I wouldn't change anything in the World. It wasn't all easy, we had some testing times doing 4 IUI's and 4 IVF transfers as I too have infertility problems. When I finally became pregnant I still feared something would go wrong and my husband feared about bonding with our Child, we both questioned what would he look like and worried with all the fears that you deal with doing DI. I realised 'accepting' our situation was the key. When our Child was born everything was erased, he was beautiful, he was our Son, we had both bought him into this World. My Husband and Son have an incredible bond, a Father and Son relationship. We also get every 'stranger' who doesn't know our situation saying how much our boy is like his Father. The Donor gave us a life but we are giving a life as Parents - his Mum and Dad and loving every minute.

DI Mum
Tanya

[Julie]

Welcome to all the new readers! Tanya, I'm especially glad to hear that your husband and son have a close bond. You're right, the parents' acceptance really does make a difference. If we are not comfortable, then the child will definitely pick up on that and it will lead to problems.

[Somewhat Ordinary]

This post had me in tears. I'm 4 days away from my due date with our son who was conceived via DI. I always dream of moments like the ones you've written about and hearing that they actually do happen to real DI families touches my heart!

[Julie]

@Somewhat Ordinary, this happens more often than not. I think DI families who have "normal" relationships need to get out into the public more (even if they are keeping their identity anonymous, they can still blog!). We always hear the horror stories because that's what sells but I truly believe that those families are the minority. Good luck with your impending delivery!! Also, could you send me an invite to your blog? Thanks!